John Erickson Races to Sheriff’s Station, Files Emergency “Stunt-Jacking” Complaint After Alex Padilla Steals His Handcuff Moment
City-council arch-selfie-king John Erickson stormed the West Hollywood Sheriff’s Station this morning to file what may be the first-ever “Grand Theft Spectacle” report, accusing U.S. Senator Alex Padilla of “premeditated spotlight larceny.”
“I had been planning my righteous-arrest photo-op for weeks,” Erickson told baffled deputies, clutching a color-coded timeline titled Operation No Kings, All Cameras. “Then Padilla waltzes into a press conference, gets cuffed on national TV, and suddenly I’m last week’s TikTok. This is career sabotage.”
Sources inside LASD say the councilmember demanded that detectives “retrieve the stolen buzz” and return it to its rightful owner. One deputy—unfamiliar with the jurisprudence of clout—offered Erickson a complimentary lollipop and suggested he “try Instagram Reels like everyone else.”
The Lost Stunt
According to Erickson’s 23-page grievance (printed on sustainably sourced, lavender-scented paper), the plan was simple:
- Approach the podium at today’s No Kings rally “with the calm gravitas of a Marvel origin story.”
- Pose poignant questions about authoritarianism while inching toward handcuff range.
- Earn viral martyrdom, at least 250K retweets, and a probable cameo on Morning Joe.
“Padilla skipped the entire hero’s journey and went straight to the arrest montage,” Erickson fumed. “That’s plagiarism.”
“Cooler Cuffs” Clause
In the complaint’s appendix, Erickson argues that federal agents “over-committed” by wrestling Padilla to the floor, leaving “no fresh choreography” for local officials. His proposed remedy: a ceremonial do-over in which Padilla apologizes, hands over his pair of cuffs, and endorses Erickson’s rematch at next week’s Public Safety Committee meeting.
Padilla’s Office Responds
Reached for comment, Padilla’s communications team yawned audibly. “We congratulate Councilmember Erickson on discovering federal statute 18 U.S.C. § NeedForAttention,” the aide said. “We wish him the best in his future performance-art endeavors.”
Sheriff’s Verdict
By late afternoon, LASD confirmed it would take no action, citing a lack of criminal code covering “stolen vibes.” An anonymous sergeant added, “He can always protest the farmers market; vendors love a good handcuff-n-produce reel.”
Meanwhile, at City Hall
Unfazed, Erickson has reportedly pivoted to Plan B: arranging to be dramatically escorted out of his own council meeting by security guards wearing coordinated pastel zip-ties. “I’ll reclaim the narrative,” he vowed, adjusting a pink suit rumored to be cuff-friendly. “And this time, no senator will out-drama me.”
This article is satire. Any resemblance to actual law-enforcement procedures is purely comedic.
P.S. There’s a Cartoon
